Dear Zeus,
Ganymede Waters Zeus as an Eagle by Berthel Thorvaldsen, 1817
Before my disappearance from this blog last May, I submitted a poem to The New Gay, entitled “Dear Zeus.” Inspired not only from my relationship with Dear, but also about the myth of Ganymede. The gist of the myth is that Zeus, disguised as an eagle, abducts a young mortal to become his cupbearer. Between the two a love develops. If there were ever a book of love written, I believe it is Plato’s Phaedrus. Precisely, it is Plato’s analogy of love to charioteers and steeds in which he refers to Zeus and Ganymede, but the description about love into which Plato delves is nonetheless poignant.
“And from that time forward the soul of the lover follows the beloved in modesty and holy fear”
Plato
Last night, after being sucked into What Chili Wants but before Dear and I went to the neighborhood meeting, we had a discussion about our relationship. Dear said that he hopes he sets the standard for whatever future guy I do meet. He said he hopes I know how I deserve to be treated, and what I will and will not accept. And he also hoped that the relationship wouldn’t become an albatross, with me constantly comparing future relationships to him.
I told him, “Dear, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, and I don’t know how to word this, but I feel like you’re the man I meet before I meet the man I marry.” Every other day, while waiting to turn into the parking garage for our gym at Colony Square, we pass the 14th Street Playhouse that has, on its marquee, a play with that title.
“I’ve always felt that,” he replied.
The Unequal Marriage by Vasili Pukirev, 1862
Putting aside my relentless requests for him to come with me to see Manny Oliveira in I’m The Man You Meet Before You Meet the Man You Marry, I told him were it not for the age disparity, I would be completely content in our relationship. In fact, after Dear I don’t think I could handle another May-December relationship. As he often describes it, I am at the beginning while he is entering the beginning to the end. But alas, it is a May-December relationship. He knows that at some point I desire not only a career pursuing a passion that I love, but also children and an asscher-cut rock on my finger. I’m perfectly content to adopt by myself and put my own rock on my finger, but I do think it would be much more interesting with someone else. And while I’ve softened on the institution of marriage, perhaps because I’ve grown comfortable with the lack of pressure my current May-December relationship provides, I’ve not softened on the issue of a conscious commitment. Feel free to give it whatever title you please.
In the course of the conversation last night, Dear said, “Instead of making definite plans for the future, we enjoy our relationship in the moment.” And I couldn’t agree more. A few months ago, I told him one of the best things I enjoy about our relationship is the freedom, and that we do take a week by week approach to it.
In an odd and weird way, I feel as if we’re constantly evaluating and making a conscious decision to stay together week by week, instead of being bound by obligation. This isn’t to say that I won’t inevitably compare future relationships to the present one. I will. Hopefully not detrimentally but instructively. Nor is this to say that I’ll refuse marriage from the man I’m supposed to marry, but my relationship with Dear has certainly taught me quite a lot about relationships and expectations. The truth is that the only expectation I bring to the relationship is for him to spend time with me. I put my own gas in my car.
At the beginning of our relationship, about four or five months in, he and I went with a few friends to Rivers Edge, a gay nude camp. Leading up to the excursion, he dropped a couple of hints about taking me out to get some new underwear and swimwear. I heard him, but was dismissive. I didn’t find out until months later he had wanted to replace my underwear because, for a lack of better words, they were ratty.
“But, I know you have too much pride -which can be a positive and a negative- to let me buy you some underwear and swimming shorts,” he said. Since then, I’ve replaced underwear and swimwear has been replaced.
Whether or not I enter into a legal marriage, marked by an asscher-cut diamond, after my relationship with Dear, I know that I will have learned a lot about myself and what I expect from relationships. I know that, at my core, I’m more of a blend of Carrie and Charlotte. Not my first time at the rodeo yet still a little naive and somewhat innocent at times, while always more desiring of intimacy and adventure than sex.
I discussed my relationship with a friend, who asked how we were planning for the future.
“We both love each, other but dont hold each other back … He especially stresses that he wants me to pursue whatever it is that I want to do and live my life [relating to pursuit of career],” I said.
Posted on 16 February, 2011
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