Dear Willy Wonka,
Somehow I’ve managed to trade one vice for another. At the beginning of the year, well more precisely on Dec. 31st, I joined Colony Square Athletic Club in Midtown. I figured exercise would be a great way to direct cravings. The motivation for joining wasn’t to lose weight. In fact I’m pretty sure I joined it to give myself something to do. The first week was fine. The second week I got a mild bout of what I’m assuming to be lactic acidosis. I won’t go into the details
And then I found my old friend -or should I say friends- Jelly Beans. As a side note, the one time my weight actually spiked fifteen pounds was due to the daily consumption of bags of jelly beans (we’re ignoring the massive amount of baking I was also doing while on strike from the dining hall). I wish I was exagerrating, but I would go through one sometimes two bags of jellybeans in a day. The Sweettart variety. And also the Nerds Bumpy Jelly Bean. Very sugary and very delicious.
Chocolate Bear and I would make trips to Target or Krogers and load up on bags and bags of jellybeans. And then trek back to the dorms only to sit and watch very bad TV surrounded by massive bowls of jellybeans. You know the type. Those kind of mixing bowls most people use to mix cakes or brownies. I’d pour the whole lot in there and eat them. One of the funniest memories in this jellybean overdose was a friend using a wooden spoon to eat the jellybeans, as though one were eating a bowl of cereal.
Luckily, both of these varieties only appear around Easter. But for the past two weeks I’ve been enjoying the Sour JellyBelly. The cashier and I have become very intimate with each other about how delicious and wonderful the Sour JellyBellys are. I haven’t the heart to tell her how wonderful the Wonka varieties taste. And there’s a part of me that fears the upcoming weeks, because after Valentine’s Day, the next candy on the shelves will be Easter Candy.
Just the other day, while sitting around with friends and Dear (and also after eating the rest of a large slice of chocolate cake that may or may not have been spiked with oxytocin and/or coffee) I was still craving something sweet. Never mind the fact that I had just come back from the gym. I said out loud that I wish I had a bag of jellybeans when, lo and behold,. Dear surprised me with a box of jellybeans. I almost shat myself with joy, but instead buried him with kisses.
Some people’s weakness is chocolate. And while a nice slice of chocolate cake is sometimes equivalent to a mind-blowing orgasm, nothing compares to the feel of slowly chewing off the hard sugary outside until the bare jelly confection is left. This is how I aim to eat every jellybean, and if I can’t eat them this way then I don’t want to eat them. The key to eating a jelly bean this way requires a very firm center, so the low-rent varieties just won’t cut it.
I won’t even get started on nachos.
I used to think that I couldn’t live without mushroom, cheese or wine. Now I’m thinking about revising that to jellybeans, nachos and La Croix water. At least one of those addictions/comfort food is somewhat healthy.
Posted on 6 February, 2011
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