If you change your mind, I’m the first in line…

Dear Future Husband,

If I could give The Essence of Josephine Baker Award to someone, I’d give it to Angelina and Brad. I’ll be completely honest and say I’m a touch envious of Angie. Admittedly, I rarely look up to celebrities out of belief that humans shouldn’t be idolized until they are dead, lest it go to their head. That and the curse of the evil eye. Back to Angie and Brad and idolizing them. I can imagine her walking a cheetah down the Champs-Elysées, probably in a backless satin dress that flows seductively, looking behind her with that trademark gaze of a seductress. More importantly, I admire how they seem to make it work. “It” being the mix of adopted and biological children, humanitarian work, and having fun with their jobs while still balancing family life.

All throughout high school and up until the first few months of college, I had no desire for children. Absolutely none. Snot factories. Things to punch when angry (no, I don’t condone child abuse.) Giggle factories. Squishy things that make noise for $100. And then I read The Kid by Dan Savage, a book for me which changed my entire thought and rationale. Who knew two of The Gays could make it work. And be top choice for adoption amidst the throngs of straight couples. I’d considered the possibility, but I can’t pinpoint why I didn’t want children. Perhaps selfishness. Je ne sais pas.

After reading that book, it’s like a uterus appeared somewhere inside me with this tick-tick-ticking sound, screaming “GET. CHILDREN. NOW!” Never mind the fact that I don’t actually have a uterus (reasons why I may be crazy). I will comment, though, that this coincided with the first time I actually fell in love. 2003 was a crazy year. Reading that book, combined with the pursuit of a relationship, the big scare and subsequent realization, and entering college made me think about priorities and what I wanted out of life. Ever since then, I like to joke whenever I feel waves of nauseau, whether from a hangover or irritating smell, that I’ve got the morning sickness, and I may have a case of K.I.D.S

Therefore, every guy I’ve pursued over the past five years has been with the mindset of “Do you want children someday?” I don’t need a “My god yes, I need children this instant. Let’s go make babies until the next full moon!” Just an indication that children are definitely a priority in the future. With the first love of my life, of course he had no desire to have children. In all honesty, what college kid is thinking about children? Then again, I was never an ordinary anything. What happens at that point? Do you wait around and hope for a change of mind, a change in maturity? Enjoy the present time? It was a buzz kill for any future together. Well, that and his belief that he wasn’t sure if he believed in monogamy. Curiously, I condone affairs so long as the relationship stays intact. In France, at a man’s funeral apparently there are sometimes a side for the widow and a side for the mistress. Sometimes the wife and mistress are even friends. Financially, I believe in monogamy. Sexually… eh. I digress.

This brings us to the present, and which path I’ll follow. Mamma Mia has been playing in my head all day Mostly because I finally saw the movie, but also because here I go again. I’ve been doing the dating thing. As the young kids are calling it these days, kicking it. I’ve even told someone I love them. Perhaps I should have added an addendum. Still, the decision remains on which horse to cast my bets? Both have great qualities. And attributes that irritate the hell out of me. I think it comes down to I see great friendship and a sense of security. I also foresee predictability. In the other, however, I see great potential. Not for us, per se, but rather for himself ( I size people up on a consistent basis). And, of course, I see a lot of my father in l’homme deux. The real problem is that my head, and rational side, has already made the decision while my heart battles with the implications. Of diving in too deep, and possibly the complications. Reasons that have lead to the title of Tease.

I’ve contemplated this over the past five years and refined the reasons and desires for wanting children. This goes back to the goals I’ve defined. What can I say? I want to build something great, something that will last. An enduring testament.

In short, I want a husband, four to six kids, and a career to support them all.

Signed,

Patrique

P.S – It’s been awhile since I’ve done an “Essence of …” article.